Adam: ruby dee.
Stephanie: pardon?
Adam: ruby dee, 91.
Stephanie: who?
Adam: ugh never mind. i forgot, she was an oscar-nominated actress, not a real housewife.


Stephanie: i'm hungry and all i have in my purse is a flavored condom.
Adam: good morning.
Stephanie: it's from a charity event.
Adam: well you obviously can't eat it if it's a charity condom.
Stephanie: i only had a fiber bar for breakfast. i didn't remember what fiber was for. ay dios mio.
Adam: jesus.
Stephanie: you were in my nightmare last night. we were on the run.
Adam: from...?
Stephanie: terrorist types. you actually pushed me out of the way from a building-sized boulder. it was terrifying.
Adam: see?
Stephanie: ?
Adam: how great i am.
Stephanie: they were coming in, and for some reason we decided that you should hide and i should get in the bath.
Adam: great plan.
Stephanie: so i was there naked in bath water as they came in. so scary. i was like, "wait, i'm so going to get raped!"
Adam: to which i responded...?
Stephanie: you had already burrowed in a hole in the wall.
Adam: even in your dreams, i'm the smart one.
Stephanie: at least i looked good.

Stephanie: there was a huge earwig near my toothbrush this morning. i couldn't see it 'til i put my contacts in. i nearly died.
Adam: so melodramatic.
Stephanie: not at all.
Adam: lemme tell you something. with the amount of hair sprouting from my ears these days, i could make an earwig.
Stephanie: disgusting. oh, by the way. please make sure my organs are donated and i'm cremated.
Adam: huh?
Stephanie: my mom will never allow it unless you insist it's what i want.
Adam: make a living will.
Stephanie: too tired.

Stephanie: i feel barfy.
Adam: i was playing ping pong with one of my superiors and i accidentally farted.
Stephanie: omg.
Adam: it just came out!
Stephanie: first of all
Adam: first of all, nothing, you just told me how "barfy" you are.
Stephanie: barfy and farty are not in same world.
Adam: yes, the digested food that comes back up out of your mouth is so different than the gases from digested food that come out of my ass.
Stephanie: stop being gross. first of all, i'm not barfING. i'm just full.
Adam: so next time say, "i feel full."
Stephanie: it takes a lot to actually get me sick.
Adam: yes, apparently it takes mentioning a fart.
Stephanie: my stomach is full, i can't hear you.
Adam: i know you don't want to hear this either, but the mole on my forehead is now a scab that's flaking off and should be gone by monday.
Stephanie: i hate you.
Adam: yes, but you hate a soon-to-be-mole-free me.
Stephanie: a little 4 year old girl just explained to me what happened at the boston marathon. "there was an explosion, and bad guys, and people got ouchies."
Adam: you should've looked at her and said, "god, you're dumb."

Stephanie: omg, i'm dying over this burrito. the best i've ever had.
Adam: what's so great about it?
Stephanie: homemade tortilla, delicious shredded beef, beans so fresh... homemade chips and homemade salsa!
Adam: i never know what that means. it was made in someone's home? it wasn't made in a factory?
Stephanie: in a home, chopped up fresh tomatoes... homemade tortillas her grandma made at home....
Adam: is salsa made in a kitchen at home better than a kitchen at a restaurant?
Stephanie: god, yes.
Adam: why? a kitchen is a kitchen.
Stephanie: an old mexican woman will know tricks to make it taste amazing. which this does. perfect tortilla, perfect meat...
Adam: i don't think i've ever heard you wax this rhapsodic about anything, ever.
Stephanie: i love food. and exceptional mexican food is hard to find.
Adam: i like the occasional spicy mexican dish.
Stephanie: i just realized i pride myself on completing doctor's office paperwork quickly. receptionist today was all "wow, you're fast," and i was all, "yeah, i'm good at paperwork."
Adam: hey, it's something. i had a therapist ask me once if there was anything i did in my life that i was proud of.
Stephanie: and your answer was me.
Adam: no, i said finishing the daily crossword puzzle. she told me that it wasn't unimportant.
Stephanie: i remember this story.
Adam: don't worry, there was plenty of discussion of you.
Stephanie: there's a style and fashion blog i love. she barely talks about anything personal. but i've been reading it long enough to see her have one baby and now be pregnant with her second. it's awful.
Adam: why awful? i thought you were very happy with where your life is at.
Stephanie: i am. it just doesn't seem to progress like other people's.
Adam: what would you consider progression?
Stephanie: i don't know. forget i said it.
Adam: i don't wanna forget it. i think it's interesting.
Stephanie: oooo! the bachelorette is on!
Adam: you know what the interesting thing about dreams is? you lose your sense of reason. last night in my dream, i was running home, on the freeway. at night. just running and running, very few cars. and then a voice from nowhere yelled "watch out for the bears!" and i immediately realized that i was quickly approaching four or five grizzly bears, in the dark, on the freeway. just hanging out there, under an overpass. so i stopped and slowly started to inch away from them, hugging the guard rail. but it was too late, they had seen me. one came up to me and i froze and it started to sniff me... and right when i was about to be mauled to death, i woke up. but not once during the dream did i ever say "um, running on the freeway at night into a pack of bears? this is probably not really happening."
Stephanie: yeah. it's a dream.
Adam: thank you for your insight.
Stephanie: enough about you, i had the most vile explicit dream last night. i'm grossed out.
Adam: go.
Stephanie: oh no, i'm embarrassed. my high school boyfriend was in it. but it was current day, and there was a party. he came out of a room and said he had just finished licking the inside of a dog's you-know-what. and i was disgusted. "why why why would you do that?!" he said "that's where my self esteem is. that's how low and gross i am." it was so disturbing. i'm grossed out that my subconscious even came up with that!
Adam: did you then sleep with him?
Stephanie: don't.
Adam: in the dream i mean.
Stephanie: no, i said "you're disgusting." and i was worried about the dog.
Adam: what was the breed?
Stephanie: hound.
Adam: of course.
Stephanie: i'm serious, adam, it's upsetting!
Adam: dog's buttholes usually are.

Stephanie: do you think most people would welcome corn in a chicken taco or not?
Adam: no idea.
Stephanie: um... it's just your opinion.
Adam: i have no opinion on what most people would welcome. that would be a weird opinion to have.
Stephanie: i think most would not like it. i would love it. easy opinion to have. bye!
Adam: strange opinion. see ya!

Las Vegas, circa 1998. A photo booth combined our faces and spit out what our child would look like. We named him Timmy. The trip ended with a screaming fight in the car, pulled over on the side of the road in Primm, NV.

Las Vegas, circa 1998. A photo booth combined our faces and spit out what our child would look like. We named him Timmy. The trip ended with a screaming fight in the car, pulled over on the side of the road in Primm, NV.


Stephanie: i gave my mom that vegas trip i won. so she, alan, margie, and liz are all going in may. i think i may book a room for myself and surprise them.
Adam: what vegas trip you won?
Stephanie: gah. at my work holiday party, i won a trip for two to vegas for two nights at caesar's and two tix to shania twain. i told you this.
Adam: no you didn't.
Stephanie: you just don't listen to me.
Adam: what did you have to do to win it?
Stephanie: i didn't do anything to win. just work here.
Adam: that sounds like a terrible contest.
Stephanie: everyone wins something at the holiday party.
Adam: fucking hippies.
Stephanie: this one guy won a diamond watch and is a huge shania twain fan and wanted to trade. i felt pressured. he was all "i have no one to give this watch to! do you even like shania twain?"
Adam: you could've taken the watch and hocked it.
Stephanie: but i know liz and margie love shania.
Adam: did it annoy you when colin suggested we should get married? like do you feel insulted that we'd be seen as a viable match?
Stephanie: it doesn't annoy me, it just... people have no idea. hey, guess what? i just got accepted for that 8 week writing course!
Adam: but i mean, it doesn't annoy you on a "i can't believe they think i'd be with that loser" level?
Stephanie: nah, everyone knows i date down.
Adam: right.
Stephanie: no it doesn't annoy me like that, don't be silly. it's just... people have no idea what we've been through. god, poquito más sounds so good right now.
Adam: you missed out. though the chix burrit did not sit well.
Stephanie: ew, did you leave the "o" off burrito on purpose?
Adam: yep. pronounced "burreet."
Stephanie: reason #72 why i would never be with you. also, be less supportive and surprised about the writing course.
Adam: i think it's fantastic.
Stephanie: just got a confirmation email and they already sent my first task! ugh. i hate this class.
Adam: is week 2 "how to stop blowing off adam when he tries to set up a writing session?"
Stephanie: be positive. i'm trying.
Adam: i genuinely think it's great.
Stephanie: oh, it's just a reading assignment before the first class. good. i don't want to have to write or share anything.
Adam: oh, jesus.
Stephanie: yet!
Adam: ok, good. because taking a writing course but not wanting to write could prove problematic.
Stephanie: baby steps.
Adam: have you ever seen a baby walk? they practically lurch.
Stephanie: by the way, if you ever need an allergist, the one i just saw was great. shapiro on riverside.
Adam: that's also the name of the store where i buy my yarmulkes. what were your results?
Stephanie: no clam allergy. he thinks i had a "bad batch."
Adam: i bet you'll avoid them now anyway.
Stephanie: the allergy dr. asked me so many questions, i felt like i was on the witness stand. at one point i said i have dry and watery eyes. he was like, "dry AND watery?"
Adam: hilarious.
Stephanie: i wish oranges came peeled.
Adam: that might be the laziest thing i've ever heard.
Stephanie: it's hard. i never had to do it until this last year.
Adam: why last year?
Stephanie: that's when i really started eating them. without help.
Adam: and who was your official peeler before last year?
Stephanie: the receptionist at my old job.
Adam: just your oranges or all fruit? did she peel grapes for you too?
Stephanie: don't be dumb.
Adam: yeah. you didn't peel your own oranges until your late 30s, and i'm the dumb one.
Stephanie: mid 30s.
Adam: if you say so.

Stephanie: i just spent 5 minutes googling cotswold cheese.
Adam: that seems like an awfully long time.
Stephanie: well, cotswold first, then I looked into double gloucester. perusing variations with chives, without, etc.
Adam: it's one of my favorite cheeses.
Stephanie: god, it's amazing. had it today at my friend's shop.
Adam: way to work in that your friend has a shop.
Stephanie: it was so good! i want more cheese. hungry.
Adam: i'm at bj's brewery of all places.
Stephanie: yum. It's actually not bad. my brother loves the pizookie. It's a pizza cookie.
Adam: i've had it many times, missy.
Stephanie: k.
Adam: damn, I thought "missy" would annoy you.
Stephanie: nope. do we lose an hour or gain tonight?
Adam: spring forward, fall back, asshole.
Stephanie: ugh. but which is it? am i in spring?
Adam: no. the rest of us are in spring. you're in fall.
Stephanie: no cotswold for you!
Adam: they have red velvet pizookies now.
Stephanie: gross. i said my brother likes them, not me, asshole.
Adam: there are a host of other flavors too.
Stephanie: i'm dying for food. i want bj's.
Adam: me too. wink wink.
Stephanie: ugh.
Adam: i feel like sometimes you forget I'm a guy.
Stephanie: guys don't talk like that to grown women unless they're douches.
Adam: come on. guys take advantage of obvious joke opportunities.
Stephanie: honestly, the ones I know don't really. you do.
Adam: oh yeah? well define "grown women."
Stephanie: i'm bored with this conversation.
Adam: fine. what would you rather talk about?
Stephanie: nicole richie went from hideous to gorge.
Adam: never did it for me.
Stephanie: so cute now.
Adam: you definitely forget that I'm a guy.

Stephanie: i wish i could act out for you what i just did in the bathroom.
Adam: ewwww.
Stephanie: nono. i went to flush the toilet with my foot, like i always do at work, but forgot to pull up my skinny jeans first.
Adam: so your ass was hanging out?
Stephanie: well who cares about that? the thing was, they were tight around my knees, so when i went to lift my foot, my leg came down sharply like some kind of crazy soldier. crazy almost naked soldier.
Adam: i'm picturing john cleese goose-stepping in fawlty towers.
Stephanie: exactly. but cuter.
Adam: if you say so. cleese was pretty darned adorable.
Stephanie: tell me again - what's washington and what's washington, d.c.
Adam: COME ON. you don't mean that.
Stephanie: i do. i told you i don't know geography.
Adam: you don't know that the president is in DC?! the government?!
Stephanie: yes, but where is that?
Adam: back east. on the potomac.
Stephanie: why is it called washington?
Adam: because a lot of black people live there. why do you think?!
Stephanie: come on, i'm serious.
Adam: why is the seat of our nation called... "washington"?
Stephanie: ok, i get it, but where is it exactly?
Adam: jesus christ, stephanie, you had a private school education! what were those nuns and priests teaching you? the precise chemical reaction which causes wafers to melt when mixed with saliva?
Stephanie: ugh. stop screaming.
Adam: if you had asked me this when we were dating, i would've walked out on you even sooner.
Stephanie: isn't washington near us? i'll go look at a map again.
Adam: unbelievable. washington state is above oregon, which is above us, and it's just below vancouver, which is in a magical land called "canada."
Stephanie: i see that. this map doesn't show washington, d.c.
Adam: that's on purpose - it's to trick our enemies. and apparently some of our citizens.
Stephanie: whoa. wikipedia says it's not part of any state.
Adam: because it's not. it's a district. the district of columbia. virginia and maryland border it.
Stephanie: would've been easy for you to explain, rather than my having to google.
Adam: it's so bizarre. you're so fucking smart and then you have these weird gaps in knowledge.
Stephanie: so do you! i'd like to see you answer my questions about "real housewives."
Adam: if they made a "real housewives of d.c." we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Stephanie: they did have one. but i hated it and it was canceled after season 1 so i didn't get the lay of the land.
Adam: well i'm glad i was able to help draw you a mental picture.
Stephanie: my google search: "washington vs washington dc map"
Adam: google results: "you're a moron."

Stephanie: have you ever dated someone who once slept with someone you find disgusting? and isn't it horrific? it's like fucking a monster by proxy. also, remember when you broke [name redacted]'s rib after you saw us making out? today's my birthday. it's a time to reflect.
Adam: happy birthday. now lemme poop and then i'll answer.
Stephanie: dude. i'm eating a lean pocket, please don't be gross.
Adam: i feel like it doesn't bother me as much as it does you.
Stephanie: k.
Adam: i don't mean the poop talk. the other thing.
Stephanie: i know. thank you.
Adam: i feel like i usually am the person who's horrific. it's a future boyfriend of theirs who has to be repulsed. and yes, i remember the rib, thanks. my lifelong best friend and i spent the next 48 hours waiting to see if i'd mortally wounded him. i was convinced i'd end up in prison on a manslaughter rap.
Stephanie: omg, i forgot to tell you. [name redacted] called and asked me out!
Adam: who?
Stephanie: my friend [name redacted].
Adam: sounds vaguely familiar.
Stephanie: i didn't expect it. i'm so uncomfortable. i'm stomach achey over it.
Adam: that's absurd.
Stephanie: i want to avoid him now.
Adam: oh my god, get over it.
Stephanie: no! he's my friend!!
Adam: big woop. he's your friend, he asked you out, you said no. he took a shot.
Stephanie: i hate being asked out.
Adam: you don't hate being asked out.
Stephanie: i do too.
Adam: you hate being asked out if you're not interested.
Stephanie: well, right.
Adam: as opposed to the tons of people who love it?
Stephanie: i get very uncomfortable turning people down. some people think it's no biggie.
Adam: "some people." very scientific.
Stephanie: i resent people who ask me out. he's also so old that he's practically dead.
Adam: that's why i never asked you out. just let you crawl into bed with me at night when you stumbled in from da clubs.
Stephanie: stop.
Adam: so what are you going to do to celebrate your birthday?
Stephanie: well i've already slept with all of your friends so i guess just dinner with the girls.
Adam: you should have ribs.
Stephanie: what's that superbowl guy's name? tom...?
Adam: are you kidding me?
Stephanie: the one with gisele bundchen.
Adam: brady. jesus.

Stephanie: searching for a job reveals a lot about me.
Adam: such as?
Stephanie: for instance, i just saw the word "dynamic" and closed the posting.
Adam: don't look for excuses not to apply!
Stephanie: i'm not. i'm just not dynamic.
Adam: most postings will say the same thing. half the time, they don't even know what they mean by that.
Stephanie: it's all "self starter" and i'm like "eh."
Adam: let THEM decide if you're a dynamic self starter or not.
Stephanie: stop screaming. i'm too tired to be dynamic.
Adam: maybe you'll find a posting where the employers are looking for someone anemic.
Stephanie: i would love that.
Adam: you know how i know i'm over 40? i just made an appointment with a urologist.
Stephanie: you know how i know im 37? i can't jump without peeing.
Adam: jump? i can't stand without peeing.
Stephanie: what's pac ten?
Adam: a college football division.
Stephanie: is it a big deal?
Adam: define big deal. it's one of the major conferences.
Stephanie: i touched a stranger's ring and it said pac 10 on it. it was sparkly. he took it off and handed it to me.
Adam: maybe a USC alum? it's now the pac-12, by the way. 6 teams in the pac-12 north, 6 in the pac-12 south...
Stephanie: so boring. forget i asked.
Adam: k.
Stephanie: it was really sparkly.

Stephanie: is it "totes mcgroats" or "totes mcgoats"?
Adam: mcgotes.
Stephanie: i hate it so much.
Adam: i hate myself for knowing it.
Stephanie: why did you make it -ote?
Adam: cause i feel like that's what it is. it has nothing to do with actual goats.
Stephanie: but it has to do with gotes?
Adam: apparently.
Stephanie: it's all awful. i seriously hate people.
Adam: did you hear about the mcdonald's in alabama that tested a McGoat sandwich?
Stephanie: stop it. liar.
Adam: google it!
Stephanie: children's hospital hasn't gotten back to me on my volunteer interview.
Adam: no idea what you're babbling about.
Stephanie: i want to volunteer at the hospital, but it's such a long fucking process. there is no McGoat you asshole.
Adam: hahaha i love that you googled it. did i ever tell you that i offered to volunteer for the braille institute, reading books on tape for the blind?
Stephanie: wait, you don't know braille.
Adam: i offered to READ BOOKS ON TAPE, idiot, not translate braille.
Stephanie: why would they have books on tape at the braille institute?
Adam: my grandmother, when she went blind, used to love the books on tape that the braille institute sent to her.
Stephanie: awww.
Adam: so out of gratitude, i later volunteered to read said books and be recorded, seeing as how i was a working voice over actor at the time. the braille institute turned me down.
Stephanie: too lispy.
Adam: no, because i didn't have a college degree.
Stephanie: stfu.
Adam: stg.
Stephanie: i'm writing a letter.
Adam: it was 20 years ago.
Stephanie: did they actually respond and cite that as a reason?
Adam: yes. they turned me down as a volunteer, period, due to my lack of a degree.
Stephanie: i don't believe you. makes no sense.
Adam: i know! my thought is that it was just an excuse they used because of how i looked.
Stephanie: ew, when was this.
Adam: when i had long hair/ripped jeans and smelled like a pack of marlboro reds.
Stephanie: i'm gonna apply as a volunteer just to see if they accept me.
Adam: you have a college degree.
Stephanie: then I'll call them out on it.
Adam: this is a terrible plan.
Stephanie: why is it so hard to volunteer?
Adam: be back in a bit, i need to go have lunch with chad and his father, your Facebook friend.
Stephanie: wait, why aren't i invited?
Adam: because you volunteered to come.
Stephanie: so dumb. where are you going?
Adam: john o'groat's.

Adam: i need a favor from you at some point today.
Stephanie: dude. i have a rat.
Adam: what did you name it?
Stephanie: not funny. i'm freaking out. i found droppings in my linens drawer, so i threw everything out.
Adam: why not just wash them?! hot water and detergent is sufficient to kill whatever.
Stephanie: gross! i'm sickened. i feel like i have rats in my ears.
Adam: your ears?!
Stephanie: please dont be a jerk today.
Adam: honey, rats can't fit in your ears. judd nelson's nostrils, maybe, but not your ears.
Stephanie: i don't THINK they're in my ears, i FEEL like they are. so gross. anyway, what's the favor?
Adam: seems moot now. i wanted you to babysit my pet rat.
Stephanie: so unbelievably stupid.